Troubling Tiredness

I'm a bit tired. In the sense that all that seems to be talked about right now is the future. The future this, the future that. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight, because well the future is always going to be there. At least until we die. Which I'm not doing for a very very very long time! I'm actually enjoying my job right now, and I'm enjoying life. I think I'm going to get a tattoo soon. Probably a star and moon behind my ear. I'm pretty excited! It should be quite fun.

I'm happy. I'm good. I'm living. Isn't that all that matters?

I usually don't like thinking about the future. I mean, let's face it, you can't predict what's gonna happen. But sometimes, the thing you don't expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you're going and enjoy where you're at.

Posing Positions

Sometimes I worry about myself. How the world is seeing me. I probably worry about the future the most. Because honestly, I don't know what will happen, who I'll be. What I'll be... It is scary confusing, and a bit overwhelming. Will I be in graduate school next year or not? Will I have job? In three years will I start a career? Will I be living at home again? Will I still feel as confused and uncertain as I am now?

Those questions circle around in my brain constantly. And today I have nothing to do.. literally. I have cleans, I have done laundry, but there is no homework for once. I didn't do as horrible on a test as I thought I would, and a 40 hour work week looms ahead of me. Yet, I can't help but wonder why I'm not more content. I am at times, and then it slips away... the content feeling I work so hard to reach, just slips away.

I blame perceptions... not my own but others. Sometimes it is hard to not care. You worry about what people think when they see you, hear you talk. It consumes. Today though, I'm all alone except for my cat, I can think whatever I wish, and I can go where ever I want... I'm over it. It is for me now. I do what I want for me, not for anyone else. Though, I'll fall back into old habits I'm sure.

Never mind. I'm being silly, but...

I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. Some people want to be seen as the rebel. Some people just want to be seen, period. Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. For me, it was when I stopped worrying about how other people saw me that I finally started to look better.

Foolish Fables

I was a bit stupid. Like I mean completely and utterly a nut bag. I forgot myself, in fact I was completely lost. I felt like I wouldn't amount to anything. That my future was a dim blimp on an endlessly depressing world. I hated everything. I think I maybe have been a bit depressed. I had lost who I was, and what I had decided to be. All because of two silly tests. That's right, two tests made me essentially hate my world. Lose my focus and forget everything.

It is okay though, because you need to get lost in order to get found right? I'm happy to say that I found myself. I'm alright, and my future has never looked brighter. That's all that matters. I will makes myself become something. Ha, I already am.

I think that's how things happen. All of the sudden things become clear, and then you realize how obvious they've been all along. But, how blind you personally were to them. Silly me huh?

Silly me.

....

On the first page, of my story. My future seemed so bright....

Forgetful Forgivings

I'm not a forgiving person. Once someone has scorned me, or I have felt betrayed or deceived or even misunderstood, I normally move on with my life easily. I don't do drama. I don't like it, and I avoid it literally. I run, I hide, I avoid. Sadly... I have lost many friends through this method. I have avoided many new friendships as well. It is sad. In a way I think it is pathetic. If I could reach out and contact every single person I ever regretted losing touch with, not only would it take me years it would probably one of the best things I could do with my life. However, I'm not like that. It isn't who I am. They still somehow did something I was unable to forgive easily and I refuse to change a core principle that has always followed me.

I think it is sad, that you can walk by someone, avoid eye contact, all like they didn't matter, like they didn't stay up with you sharing secrets, laughter... you just pass them like they are nothing to you... nothing but a stranger. Why is it so simple? To forget someone? To move on like it was nothing? That the relationship you once shared is now meaningless. Not only that but you actually refuse to acknowledge each other. It is like a silent agreement, even though in that brief moment of eye contact your mind is flooded with memories. With thoughts, with emotions.

I am horrible at relationships. I feel like I am old enough to admit it. I'm not trying to be angsty and be like woah is me and all that jazz, because any failed or lost relationships are literally my fault. Beyond the ones I run from due to drama contaminating it... I also just suck at relationships in general. I fail at keeping in touch, and I fail at realizing that it takes to people to maintain a relationship. Well I guess realize it, but I fail anyway.

The worst though is that I don't notice until it is too late that I haven't been returning someone's phone calls or texts. Or that I forgot to wish a happy birthday even though facebook screams it at me. It is just horrible and I apologize profusely for my failures...

I'm writing this blog to try to change. It isn't like bam tomorrow I'll be different, but I'm going to try to contact people I'm slowly losing right now, and try and pay more attention to all that... I really am sorry, and I'll be a better person. Though I don't think I can forgive very easy still, then again it is something I'll just take one step at a time.

Magnifying Me-ness

Sometimes you have moments of self-doubt. Days when you are like is this really me? Am I doing what it is I wish to be doing? Most of the time you give yourself a self-assured yes. Other times you give well if it wasn't illegal, yes. And hopefully fewer times you have a hopeful I wish. Today I had an I wish moment.

They have been happening to me in many many different ways, but today it was a big one. Because it was an I wish I could easily change if I wanted to. So you know what. I am changing that I wish into a yes. It is probably one of the most positive things I've planned on doing in a long time. I'm actually pretty excited. To be such a positive polly about it.

I think it is another strength showing just how far I've grown, and how far I've yet to go. I still deal childishly with disappointment, by allowing myself to get upset or depressed. In general I have a bad attitude at times. I'm getting better at it though, or at least I believe I am. I could be tricking myself though.

Well this is a super short post, but I don't think anyone actually reads these so it is more a reflection for myself in the end huh?

Regardless life is a journey and it sure is taking me for a very odd ride.

Un-united Unity

It is amazing exactly how many people are in the world. It is hard to think you matter when you look at the population of the earth as a whole. It is hard to believe that 1 out of billions really has any factor or influence. Unless of course you are in a place of power, but even those people experience powerless moments. Look at our President, he is powerless. He could become powerful but is too humble for that. How would it feel to look at the country, be considered the most powerful person in it, and still feel helpless. Unable to stop the train wreck that has been years in the making, but trying regardless.

Then you as yourself, do I matter? On a small scale everyone matters. You matter to someone whether you realize it or not. Is it enough though? To know that everything you work for in your entire life amounts to maybe 10 people. 10 people out of billions. Such a small percentage that it doesn't even register. Doesn't even matter?

I'm not saying that people are meaningless, but divided they are. People need to get over this whole one for all, and that's right one that's it, type mind frame. People are just that plural, and that is what matters. You can be selfish, selfless, or a combo, but regardless you always teeter toward one edge. Sadly those who are the richest normally teeter towards selfish, and those who are poor teeter towards selfless. It is a sad world, and we all live in it, yet few want to change it, even 1 million people who want change can't measure up to 10 million who don't care.

People need to unite, people need to accept. People need to just understand. This is impossible though. There are too many dividers in the world, politics, religion, race, economics, class, etc. The world can never be united. The world is just that a world, made of separate continents which has separate countries, separate states/provinces/territories, separate counties/districts, separate cities, separate neighborhoods, separate streets. It is just that, separated, and I doubt and would even say it is impossible for any unity to happen.

The United States is just one of many examples of that.

Meaningful Memories

I met a lot of people in Europe. In fact, I even met myself. I know that is hard to explain, but when I was abroad I discovered who I was. The person I wanted to be, and the future I hadn't realized I was in search off. It was a place in which I had myself to rely on, and realized I could stand on my own. I was my own person, I steer my own life.

It was wonderful. It was inspiring. It was unforgettable. I cannot wait to return and feel everything I felt there once more. Sadly, being away has made those feelings dwindle and fade. The ease in which I had began to experience life slowly faded, and I feel like I can't grasp that perfect understand I once had.

I still have the memories, and every once in a while I gain that self assuredness I had absorbed there, but sadly those have been few and far between lately. Maybe I'm in a quarter life crisis. Maybe I'm just at the moment when I'm fully emerging into adulthood and haven't come to terms with it. Regardless. The world is beautiful. It is a wonderful place. Sadly it isn't experienced everywhere.

Here in Wisconsin or Minnesota, I don't feel like I'm apart of something huge. I just think about the political madness surrounding my country. I fear who will be the next President. I fear their ideals. I can't help but wish that if every single politician had their own experience abroad, away from the rich and the poor, just with themselves in the world. That they would be good people.

I'm just nostalgic for my past travels. I miss them. I remember them. I want to relive them. Sadly that isn't in the cards for me any time soon. Someday though. Someday.

Cranial Conundrums

The creation of my new blog was inspired by one person and one person only. He questioned me on facebook, refused to understand me, and over all rejected my opinion/degraded me. It was in that moment I realized that I had grown up. It is weird and odd to say it like that, but honestly that was the thought process and realization that happened.

The fact that someone who idolized and grew up wanting to be the most like basically was not agreeing with my opinions and actually being quite cruel about it, didn't effect me. I didn't want to change myself to please him. I didn't want to conform. I was just me. Even though, this person may now dislike me and there may be repercussions for standing my ground. I do not care. I was me. I was true to myself, and I have never felt more empowered!

It shouldn't be hard for anyone to figure out who this person was if they try looking hard enough, but regardless I don't care. I'm sure putting such thoughts and feelings on the internet are silly, and the fact this will be linked to my facebook page is probably sillier. I do not care, because maybe some people who don't understand me will just a little bit more by reading into my odd little thoughts and quirks. Plus, the title of Blogger is not only fun to say, but also fun to be. I like the idea of no censorship!

Hmmm, so basically this blog is going to be the craziness that goes on in my head. The things that matter to me, the fights I get in, the situations that confuse me, the things I am passionate for, and above all else it is going to be a free and safe spot for my ideas to be shared, because Facebook directly seems to be a bad choice when it comes to my family members, though I do hope some of them read this. Maybe it'd help them out, like a little cheat sheet? Honestly though they'd probably just say 'it's gay'.... which is sad.

First of let it be known I hate the phrase 'that's so gay' and 'retarded'. I used those words in middle school and high school, and honestly I'm still ashamed no one told me to stop sooner! Thankfully I got a wake up call by a Professor at Riverland. I didn't even realize how often I used these phrases until it was pointed out. I haven't uttered them since.

I would like to think that human beings have a larger capacity to learn more words to describe things they think are stupid or difficult, but I know that I have been proven wrong many many many times before. So, I guess I won't hold my breath.

In closing today I think I'll end with a good ole Dr. Seuss quote directed towards a role model I lost today...

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss