Reality Relief

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. Life is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins, but it doesn't slow how quickly it will still end.

Yet, you need to get ahead of it. Beat the odds, and realize that no matter what happens life is yours. If you are foolish and selfish... waste your time worrying about the little things and ignore the bigger picture. You are just an idiot. Whose allowed themselves to find security in the menial tasks.

I'm tired of school and of work.  It's too much or maybe just too little of worth.  It bothers me.  I feel like I'm going nowhere in life everything is the same thing day in and day out.  I just want a moment of relaxation.  I haven't felt relaxed or able to just not think about school and work for far too long. 

It seems silly that this is what life ends up being.  Work work work.  Whether it is at a real job or school work.  It takes up your time, your energy, and your life.  I feel like I'm wasting away doing pointless activities in a pointless existence.  

I think it is just I want a break.  I want a week in which I have no work, no school or assignments due.  I just want to have a moment of pure happiness in which everything just seems perfect if only for a second.  Because let's be honest perfection doesn't last long and life would be just as boring and annoying if it was perfect just like it is stressful (if that makes sense).  

I think it has just gotten to that point where I need to go to a beautiful place and rest my mind.  Sadly a trip to Scotland isn't tangible at this time...  I miss wandering, I miss just doing whatever seemed fun that day.

I hate reality.  I hate my job.  I hate school.

I just want to do something I love for a little bit.... but because of life I don't have the money to throw away to go on a trip.... or vacation... or even long drive.... Just one week of freedom from responsiblity.  Is that too much? 

Yeah, sadly it is.  

Tired...

Sometimes I fail at sharing.  I'm not good at putting feelings into words, I've never had to be, cuz no one has ever asked.  I'm really tired though, and at times I don't think I realize how much I can matter.  No one really asks though, just why or how are you? I need prying, and I need to feel like what I say won't be taken as offense.  Because in the end, I will share what's wrong and then I'm told I'm wrong or the person thinks I meant it negatively towards them or something... ugh never mind.  It doesn't matter.  It never does.  I fail.  I always do.

Enough of that negative nancy-ness.  I'm off to Scotland in a few weeks.  I can't wait!! I'll be off to adventures and freedom!! Ha, I guess that's how I've seen Scotland as freedom.  I hope I meet a bunch of new people, and make new friends, and find new favorite places!!  Then I have another two months of summer before my life is consumed by grad school, and I get to move into my new apartment, and get my giant bed of awesomeness and couches too.  Ha, it should be great I hope.   My cat may need a sibling as well, she has gotten attached to Arwen.  I don't know though, I'll see how she survives on her own. 

Well I'm off to bed.  It should be a pretty awesome day tomorrow.  I plan to go on a hardcore walk. 

Overt Oddities

So, yah. I like someone. Which is very rare for me. In fact if I hear my roomie say exactly how odd or weird it is that I smile so often when getting a text one more time I'll probably start questioning my sanity. Ahhh, well beyond that. It looks like I have a future. I am in graduate school. I'm surviving school, I'm not surviving work very well. I want a job in which I barely have to think for a while. Is that so wrong? I just want a job that I can get paid to do, that is repetative, and mediocre.

I got an apartment on main street, that should be pretty fun to live in. Who knows what issues it will have, but I'm sure I'll have fun with them. My roomie Mitchy left. Which is sad a little bit, but I know he is doing something he's always wanted to accomplish, so it makes it a whole lot less sad.

I REALLY REALLY WANT SOME SUSHI. I'm sorry. I'm hungry, and I want to be fed. *sigh* but it will be pasta probably for supper. Which will still be yummy!

Actually I don't have much reason for the post, beside I find my life oddly content at the moment. I like it. I'm happy. Let's stay this way kay?

Promising Plans

I finally did it. I got a tattoo. I have wanted one for so long that it is almost shocking to actually have. If not for the occasional sting of pain I wouldn't notice it. It looks beautiful. It has the words Master of Fate entwined in vines on my left foot. I got this based on the end of my favorite poem that I will post at the end of this blog. Eventually I plan to get Captain of Soul on my other foot. Someday perhaps even more of the poem somewhere else. It was a great experience. I was with two great friends, and I know I'll always remember when I look at it. It gave me a sense of freedom to have a tattoo finally. It meant a lot. I feel grown, I feel independent. No one can control me. I am myself. Nothing more and nothing less. I need no one. I stand strong. It is just a great feeling.

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

for my unconquerable soul.

~

In the fell clutch of Circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of Chance,

my head is bloody, but unbowed.

~

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,

looms but the Horror of the shade,

and yet the menace of the years,

finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

~

It matters not how strait the gate,

how charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

~

Troubling Tiredness

I'm a bit tired. In the sense that all that seems to be talked about right now is the future. The future this, the future that. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight, because well the future is always going to be there. At least until we die. Which I'm not doing for a very very very long time! I'm actually enjoying my job right now, and I'm enjoying life. I think I'm going to get a tattoo soon. Probably a star and moon behind my ear. I'm pretty excited! It should be quite fun.

I'm happy. I'm good. I'm living. Isn't that all that matters?

I usually don't like thinking about the future. I mean, let's face it, you can't predict what's gonna happen. But sometimes, the thing you don't expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you're going and enjoy where you're at.

Posing Positions

Sometimes I worry about myself. How the world is seeing me. I probably worry about the future the most. Because honestly, I don't know what will happen, who I'll be. What I'll be... It is scary confusing, and a bit overwhelming. Will I be in graduate school next year or not? Will I have job? In three years will I start a career? Will I be living at home again? Will I still feel as confused and uncertain as I am now?

Those questions circle around in my brain constantly. And today I have nothing to do.. literally. I have cleans, I have done laundry, but there is no homework for once. I didn't do as horrible on a test as I thought I would, and a 40 hour work week looms ahead of me. Yet, I can't help but wonder why I'm not more content. I am at times, and then it slips away... the content feeling I work so hard to reach, just slips away.

I blame perceptions... not my own but others. Sometimes it is hard to not care. You worry about what people think when they see you, hear you talk. It consumes. Today though, I'm all alone except for my cat, I can think whatever I wish, and I can go where ever I want... I'm over it. It is for me now. I do what I want for me, not for anyone else. Though, I'll fall back into old habits I'm sure.

Never mind. I'm being silly, but...

I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. Some people want to be seen as the rebel. Some people just want to be seen, period. Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. For me, it was when I stopped worrying about how other people saw me that I finally started to look better.

Foolish Fables

I was a bit stupid. Like I mean completely and utterly a nut bag. I forgot myself, in fact I was completely lost. I felt like I wouldn't amount to anything. That my future was a dim blimp on an endlessly depressing world. I hated everything. I think I maybe have been a bit depressed. I had lost who I was, and what I had decided to be. All because of two silly tests. That's right, two tests made me essentially hate my world. Lose my focus and forget everything.

It is okay though, because you need to get lost in order to get found right? I'm happy to say that I found myself. I'm alright, and my future has never looked brighter. That's all that matters. I will makes myself become something. Ha, I already am.

I think that's how things happen. All of the sudden things become clear, and then you realize how obvious they've been all along. But, how blind you personally were to them. Silly me huh?

Silly me.