Troubling Tiredness

I'm a bit tired. In the sense that all that seems to be talked about right now is the future. The future this, the future that. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight, because well the future is always going to be there. At least until we die. Which I'm not doing for a very very very long time! I'm actually enjoying my job right now, and I'm enjoying life. I think I'm going to get a tattoo soon. Probably a star and moon behind my ear. I'm pretty excited! It should be quite fun.

I'm happy. I'm good. I'm living. Isn't that all that matters?

I usually don't like thinking about the future. I mean, let's face it, you can't predict what's gonna happen. But sometimes, the thing you don't expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you're going and enjoy where you're at.

Posing Positions

Sometimes I worry about myself. How the world is seeing me. I probably worry about the future the most. Because honestly, I don't know what will happen, who I'll be. What I'll be... It is scary confusing, and a bit overwhelming. Will I be in graduate school next year or not? Will I have job? In three years will I start a career? Will I be living at home again? Will I still feel as confused and uncertain as I am now?

Those questions circle around in my brain constantly. And today I have nothing to do.. literally. I have cleans, I have done laundry, but there is no homework for once. I didn't do as horrible on a test as I thought I would, and a 40 hour work week looms ahead of me. Yet, I can't help but wonder why I'm not more content. I am at times, and then it slips away... the content feeling I work so hard to reach, just slips away.

I blame perceptions... not my own but others. Sometimes it is hard to not care. You worry about what people think when they see you, hear you talk. It consumes. Today though, I'm all alone except for my cat, I can think whatever I wish, and I can go where ever I want... I'm over it. It is for me now. I do what I want for me, not for anyone else. Though, I'll fall back into old habits I'm sure.

Never mind. I'm being silly, but...

I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. Some people want to be seen as the rebel. Some people just want to be seen, period. Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. For me, it was when I stopped worrying about how other people saw me that I finally started to look better.

Foolish Fables

I was a bit stupid. Like I mean completely and utterly a nut bag. I forgot myself, in fact I was completely lost. I felt like I wouldn't amount to anything. That my future was a dim blimp on an endlessly depressing world. I hated everything. I think I maybe have been a bit depressed. I had lost who I was, and what I had decided to be. All because of two silly tests. That's right, two tests made me essentially hate my world. Lose my focus and forget everything.

It is okay though, because you need to get lost in order to get found right? I'm happy to say that I found myself. I'm alright, and my future has never looked brighter. That's all that matters. I will makes myself become something. Ha, I already am.

I think that's how things happen. All of the sudden things become clear, and then you realize how obvious they've been all along. But, how blind you personally were to them. Silly me huh?

Silly me.