Sometimes I worry about myself. How the world is seeing me. I probably worry about the future the most. Because honestly, I don't know what will happen, who I'll be. What I'll be... It is scary confusing, and a bit overwhelming. Will I be in graduate school next year or not? Will I have job? In three years will I start a career? Will I be living at home again? Will I still feel as confused and uncertain as I am now?
Those questions circle around in my brain constantly. And today I have nothing to do.. literally. I have cleans, I have done laundry, but there is no homework for once. I didn't do as horrible on a test as I thought I would, and a 40 hour work week looms ahead of me. Yet, I can't help but wonder why I'm not more content. I am at times, and then it slips away... the content feeling I work so hard to reach, just slips away.
I blame perceptions... not my own but others. Sometimes it is hard to not care. You worry about what people think when they see you, hear you talk. It consumes. Today though, I'm all alone except for my cat, I can think whatever I wish, and I can go where ever I want... I'm over it. It is for me now. I do what I want for me, not for anyone else. Though, I'll fall back into old habits I'm sure.
Never mind. I'm being silly, but...
I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. Some people want to be seen as the rebel. Some people just want to be seen, period. Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. For me, it was when I stopped worrying about how other people saw me that I finally started to look better.
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