Forgetful Forgivings

I'm not a forgiving person. Once someone has scorned me, or I have felt betrayed or deceived or even misunderstood, I normally move on with my life easily. I don't do drama. I don't like it, and I avoid it literally. I run, I hide, I avoid. Sadly... I have lost many friends through this method. I have avoided many new friendships as well. It is sad. In a way I think it is pathetic. If I could reach out and contact every single person I ever regretted losing touch with, not only would it take me years it would probably one of the best things I could do with my life. However, I'm not like that. It isn't who I am. They still somehow did something I was unable to forgive easily and I refuse to change a core principle that has always followed me.

I think it is sad, that you can walk by someone, avoid eye contact, all like they didn't matter, like they didn't stay up with you sharing secrets, laughter... you just pass them like they are nothing to you... nothing but a stranger. Why is it so simple? To forget someone? To move on like it was nothing? That the relationship you once shared is now meaningless. Not only that but you actually refuse to acknowledge each other. It is like a silent agreement, even though in that brief moment of eye contact your mind is flooded with memories. With thoughts, with emotions.

I am horrible at relationships. I feel like I am old enough to admit it. I'm not trying to be angsty and be like woah is me and all that jazz, because any failed or lost relationships are literally my fault. Beyond the ones I run from due to drama contaminating it... I also just suck at relationships in general. I fail at keeping in touch, and I fail at realizing that it takes to people to maintain a relationship. Well I guess realize it, but I fail anyway.

The worst though is that I don't notice until it is too late that I haven't been returning someone's phone calls or texts. Or that I forgot to wish a happy birthday even though facebook screams it at me. It is just horrible and I apologize profusely for my failures...

I'm writing this blog to try to change. It isn't like bam tomorrow I'll be different, but I'm going to try to contact people I'm slowly losing right now, and try and pay more attention to all that... I really am sorry, and I'll be a better person. Though I don't think I can forgive very easy still, then again it is something I'll just take one step at a time.